


Catnip

by kmj07



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:55:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29117115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kmj07/pseuds/kmj07
Summary: A few one shots to go along with Cats, Bats, and Birds, Oh My! Definitely needed to understand.





	1. Chapter 1

Sel had barely been home from her honeymoon for a week before she started bugging me about my own wedding. Oh, sure, she did it very subtly, but given that she's my best friend, it's not like I don't know her tricks. The wedding magazines "appearing" in the office, and her penthouse, and my apartment, and the manor. The boards that miraculously generated on my Pinterest account. The color samples that took over my desk, though I couldn't be completely sure those were from her, or Alfred. Either way, it was the most passive aggressive pestering I'd ever been privy to, and it was driving me nuts.

"Dick and I haven't even set a date yet," I told her finally, after nearly three weeks of wedding-induced psychosis. "We're not in any rush."

"Good, 'cause if I have to wear another fancy dress like that anytime soon, I might just kill someone," Steph said, throwing herself into my lap, even though I was standing next to Sel's desk. Thankfully, there was a chair directly behind me, since we both went down into it.

"But you looked so pretty," Sel cooed, then laughed as Steph flipped her off.

After spitting Steph's hair out of my mouth, I assured her, somewhat tentatively, "I don't really want anything quite as fancy as Sel and Bruce did. And, I don't know, I don't think a big white wedding is really what I want. Or what Dick wants, either."

Sel sat up straighter and looked me in the eye. "Precious, I don't care if you want a hoedown in cowboy boots or the fanciest wedding in Versailles, Bruce and I will make sure your wedding is exactly what you and Dick want. Whatever you want, you will get. Same goes for you whenever you're ready, Sunshine. You will have the wedding of your dreams, no matter what those dreams may be."

"What if I want to run away to Vegas and elope?" Steph joked, cuddling into me even more. Like a sleepy cat. "Would you be okay with that?"

"We would hope that you would invite your family, but whatever you want, we'll make it happen," Sel reaffirmed.

They joked back and forth for a while, but I sort of tuned them out. I was mostly reveling in the fact that I wasn't expected to have a society wedding, just because I was marrying a Wayne. The relief of that sort of took my breath away. Or that might have been Steph's elbow wedging itself in my diaphragm as she shifted, yet again. But anyway, I let myself really start to dream, about what I wanted. I had no idea what it was, but I knew that I could have it once I discovered just what it was.

…

Dick came home that night to find me in our bed, scrolling on my tablet. "What are you doing, babe?" he asked me, stripping out of his Nightwing suit and dropping the pieces as he went.

"Looking at wedding stuff," I said, shaking my head at his predictability. He did it every night, and cleaned it up every morning. When I had asked him why he didn't just put everything away when he took it off, his response was to pout and say he was too tired. And since he jumped off buildings to chase down bad guys, after a full day of work, I couldn't really argue with that.

He nuzzled in next to me until he was laying in my lap, face pressed to my stomach. "Whatcha thinking so far?" he asked, eyes closed as soon as I began petting his hair. I took a brief moment to be thankful he didn't wear a helmet or cowl, since that would make his hair incredibly sweaty, then I disagreed with myself. After all, either would protect his head far better than his domino mask.

"I'm not really sure yet, just looking at ideas in general," I began. "Sel said we could have whatever we want, and it doesn't have to be anything fancy like hers and Bruce's. And neither of us were super excited about the prospect of a society wedding, anyway."

"That's an understatement," he mumbled. He was basically boneless, and it was adorable. It never failed to make me happy that he was so comfortable with me that he could completely let his guard down.

We sat like that for a few more minutes, him dozing in my lap, with my tablet resting on his shoulder, but soon enough, we both climbed into bed. As soon as I turned out the light, Dick wrapped himself around me, in the now-familiar way that I couldn't sleep without. I snuggled in and was nearly asleep when Dick said softly, "You know, Bruce has an island in the Caribbean."

"Of course, he does," I mumbled, turning in his arms to face him. "Are you saying you want to get married there?"

"We could," he replied. A quick kiss to my forehead later, he added, "It would be fairly easy to do it there. The house is bigger than the manor, and then there's various guest cottages spread throughout. It would be easy to keep it contained to the people we actually want there."

"And to keep the unwanteds away," I agreed, warming to this idea pretty quickly. After all, we were already getting hounded by various members of the press on what our wedding plans were.

"Exactly. We could even have some fake plans leaked to the press to throw them off the scent, and then quietly disappear down there. How does that sound?"

"That sounds amazing," I said hesitantly, as a potential problem presented itself to my anxious psyche.

"Except…" he prompted. He knew me so well.

"If we had to hire anyone to help out, we would still have to keep things on the downlow. You wouldn't be able to be completely relaxed." And that was important to me. I wanted him to enjoy his wedding day. Was that too much to ask for?

But Dick just smiled and kissed my nose. "The caretakers are Alfred's sister and brother-in-law. Between the three of them, I think they would be offended if we offered to hire help for them."

That made sense. A Pennyworth was worth a legion of hired help, after all. "Then, I say let's talk to Bruce and Sel and see what they think."

"They'll say yes," he laughed, kissing my lips this time.

"I know, but I hate assuming," I replied, pouting just a bit. Just because Sel had said I could have anything I wanted, didn't mean I was going to take it for granted.

"And that's why I love you, babe."

…

The next day being Sunday, we were expected at the manor for family brunch, which gave us the perfect opportunity to bring up our idea with Sel and Bruce. We were greeted by various grunts from everyone under the age of twenty-one, and actual, coherent hellos from the over-thirty crowd. And just as I started attacking my cappucino Alfred had waiting for me, Bruce said, "You know, chum, we do have Kokomo available, if you wanted to get married there."

I snorted, inhaling hot coffee and foam. "You have the island in the Beach Boys song?" I managed, after I stopped choking.

"Yes, I bought it to keep Lex Luther from sullying it," Bruce replied, completely nonchalant.

"You failed to mention that last night," I accused Dick, who merely laughed at me.

"Would it have changed your mind?"

"It would have helped me decide faster, to be honest."

And so it was decided that we would get married on Bruce's private island named Kokomo (which, to be honest, made me giggle every time I thought about it). After that, the hardest part of planning the wedding was finding a dress I liked. Sel dragged me to every bridal shop in Gotham, Metropolis, and Star City before I found the one.

Lois, Dinah, Artemis and Diana had been recruited in the "We will find the perfect dress for Precious or else" plan, so the five of us spent many hours (honestly, too many, and I would have felt guilty had it not been so much fun) combing through racks and pages, trying to find something that felt right. It wasn't until the sixth (or was it the seventh? I couldn't remember) consecutive Saturday spent in search of El Dorado, or so it felt, that Dinah gasped, spicy tuna roll halfway to her mouth. "I can't believe I forgot about Tien! C'mon, let's go!"

She herded us all out of the Queen mansion and out to her waiting SUV, even forsaking our lunch that none of us had finished in her haste, then drove like a bat out of hell toward downtown Star City. "We really should have thought of Tien before now," Artemis said, shaking her head. "I mean, she only makes nearly all of your dresses, Di."

"I know! But maybe I just subconsciously didn't want to share her genius with anyone else," Dinah replied, grinning back at me through the rearview mirror. "But Gen deserves it for her special day, so I guess I can share for something like this."

She took us to a literal back alley, parking the car and rushing us all inside with a giddy delight. "This had better be good," Sel threatened teasingly as our eyes adjusted to the somewhat dim store.

"Miss Lance, it's so nice to see you again." A tiny (and coming from me, that was saying something) and glamorous woman with gorgeous thick dark hair suddenly appeared in front of us, though I was the only one surprised. Dang supers. "And Miss Crock, it's been too long."

"It has, sorry, Hoa, but I haven't needed a dress for a while now," Artemis confessed. "Being a college student fulltime put a bit of a damper on my outings as the ward of a billionaire."

"But we brought someone to see Tien," Dinah said, pulling me through the knot of women. "Genevieve is getting married, and we know Tien will create something spectacular for her."

"A wedding, how lovely," Hoa said, turning to me with a very critical eye. "Tien does love to create special pieces for special days. I will let her know you have arrived."

She gestured for us all to take seats in the plush-looking chairs, then disappeared behind the curtain closing the small reception area off from the rest of the shop. I barely had time to sit, however, before Hoa came back, followed by another woman who was even tinier. And this new woman, Tien, I assumed, seem old enough to be my great-grandmother. Her hair, just as thick as Hoa's, was a gorgeous silver, and her face seemed to be one wrinkle on top of another, born from a lifetime of smiling, given the shape and placement. But her eyes, which fixed on me immediately, were a clear dark brown, and they didn't seem to miss a thing.

"Come, Genevieve," Hoa gestured to me. "Tien needs to inspect you to create your dress."

Inspect? That made me a bit nervous, but I did as I was bidden. I stood on the little pedestal, feeling tall for probably the first time in my life as Tien circled me many times, though without saying a word.

"Where and when is your wedding?" Hoa asked me, ready to write my answers on a clipboard that she seemed to pull from nowhere.

I answered, and both Hoa and Tien immediately burst into more smiles. "A spring beach wedding, how lovely," Hoa gushed. "And your colors?"

"Black and blue," I answered, then blushed at Artemis's knowing grin. Yes, I had chosen those colors as a tribute to my fiancé's superhero suit. And this was probably the fiftieth time that Artemis had teased me about it. And it wasn't like Sel hadn't done the exact same thing with her wedding.

"Blue? Not emerald like your eyes?" Hoa asked, a bit surprised.

I was a bit thrown, myself, though flattered she thought my eyes looked like emeralds. "Ah, no, blue like my fiancé's eyes."

"Ah," she said, and she and Tien nodded like it explained everything. "How big is the wedding party?"

Hoa started measuring me, so I was a bit distracted as I answered. "Just a best man and maid of honor, but then the family will all be in our wedding colors, too." Artemis preened again, since she was the maid of honor. Wally, of course, was best man, which, according to precedence, meant they were next to get married. She laughed every time I said something about it, but Wally usually blushed, so I figured I wasn't too off the mark.

Hoa continued asking me questions about what I had planned for the wedding while Tien measured every part of my body. I sort of felt like Harry Potter when he was getting measured for his wand. But then Tien suddenly stopped and rushed to the counter, where she began drawing furiously, with a look at me every few seconds. I wanted to go see what she was doing, but Hoa stopped me by asking me more questions.

Ten or so minutes passed, and then Tien suddenly stopped drawing. She picked up her notebook and held it level with me, looking between it and me for several long moments. Hoa joined her, and they spoke quickly in Vietnamese to each other, with a few adjustments to the drawing following. Artemis looked intrigued, since she could understand what they were saying, but I had no idea.

Hoa turned back to me, clasping her hands in front of her very excitedly. "Tien has designed a dress for you. She would be pleased if you would come see it."

I nodded shortly, feeling nervous all of a sudden. I felt like this was momentous, and I even shook a bit. Sel was at my elbow in an instant, steadying me as I walked to the counter.

Tien had drawn a rather good likeness of me, even for being quick and rough, but it only emphasized the perfection that was her design. It looked like a crocheted lace dress with a V-neckline, figure-hugging and ending in a small train. It was simple, but somehow everything I hadn't known I wanted in a wedding dress.

"Is good, yes?" That was the first Tien had spoken, at least in English, but it was the understatement of the century.

"It's fantastic," I whispered, feeling a bit overwhelmed.

"It's perfect," Sel added, squeezing my arm.

At our approval, the rest of the women came rushing over to see. There were many oohs and ahs and a whole lot of talking over one another, but we all let Tien know exactly what we thought of her design. She nodded, happily accepting our praise.

Hoa and Sel went over all the arrangements, and Tien brought out a bottle of Dom Perignon. As she handed me a glass, she smiled. "You will be beautiful bride. My dress only help." Embarrassingly, I burst into tears, but she only smiled more and handed me a box of tissues, patting my back as I blew my nose.

…

The months flew by, and then I was suddenly getting on the Wayne jet with all my family. We spent a few days on the island, both in preparation for the wedding and as a bit of a vacation. Alfred's sister, Alice, was a spectacular cook, as was expected, and her husband, Oscar, nearly had everything set up by the time we got there.

My wedding day dawned perfectly clear, almost as if someone had ordered it specifically for me. We woke nearly with the dawn, even though Dick and I had specific instructions to sleep in late. That just wasn't possible for either of us. We had a lovely brunch as a family, then Sel, Artemis, and Steph whisked me away with a laugh. "We're already tempting fate by having you see her this morning," Steph teased Dick, "so we've got to keep you two away until the ceremony."

He gave in with one last heated kiss to my lips. "Last one as a single girl," he said with a wink. I was pretty sure Artemis snapped a pic of that kiss, which made my heart happy.

Tien and Hoa were waiting for us in the little guest house Sel had declared the bridal suite. And there was my dress. My perfect, made-specifically-for-me, gorgeous wedding dress. Tien carefully took it out of the bag, and I bawled my face off again. She just laughed and patted my hair.

We girls spent the rest of the day with pedicures, manicures, and facials. Alice kept us all well-fed and watered, so we didn't need to leave, and it was honestly incredibly relaxing. My family kept me from overthinking anything or crying, at least post-dress reveal. Sel then did my hair, all in a tumble of curls down my back, and Artemis did my makeup, only slightly more dramatic than my usual natural look. And then it was time to get dressed.

Tien had provided a bra and panty set made from the scraps of lace from my dress, as well as a gorgeous negligee that would be worn on some other night. I slipped into the surprisingly comfortable underwear on my own, then Sel helped me carefully shimmy into the dress. She placed the flower crown in my hair and the giant sapphire necklace Bruce had given me around my neck.

"Precious, you are a beautiful woman every day of your life, but hot damn, you look stunning," she said, tearing up as she looked at me.

"Really?" I squeaked, starting to tear up as well.

"No more crying!" Artemis ordered sternly. "Your mascara is waterproof, but your eyes will still get puffy! And we can't have puffy eyes!"

"Okay, come see yourself!" Steph instructed, pulling out her phone as she gestured toward the full-length mirror. "Come see, 'cause you look fabulous!" Cass nodded in silent agreement.

I obeyed, torn between enthusiasm and anxiety. But as I stepped into view of the mirror, my heart stopped, and I was barely conscious of Steph taking pictures.

"Yes, Precious, that is you," Sel said, taking my hand in hers. "I told you you look fantastic."

"Dick is going to die," Cass added, grinning at me.

"He better not," I laughed, a bit wetly. "After all, we have a life to spend together, ya know, the whole reason for getting married."

"I thought that was so you can get people to give you expensive presents," Artemis quipped, lightening the mood for us all.

Everyone hurried around to finish getting themselves ready, and then Sel was ushering me to the golf carts Alfred and Oscar had to take us all back to the big house.

With Sel on one side and Artemis on the other, I was ushered through the house to the doors leading to the back lawn. The lawn, which was bigger than a football field, ended with a dramatic view of the ocean. It just so happened to face west, perfect for catching the sunset. The aisle runner started at the doors and led all the way to the simple backdrop where I knew Bruce, Wally, and the man of my dreams were waiting. Steph and Cass kissed my cheek and slipped out, apparently letting the DJ (also known as Jason) know I was ready, since soft music began less than a minute after the door closed behind them.

Artemis gave me a big hug. "You got this, babe. You look gorgeous, and Dick is head over heels for you. Just breathe," she told me, then kissed my cheek, accepted her bouquet from Alfred, and slipped out the door.

Alfred handed me my flowers with a wet smile. "You look absolutely breathtaking, Miss Genevieve. You make a lovely bride."

"Thanks, Alfie." I was barely able to get the words out without crying, but I managed to kiss his cheek and take a deep breath.

"Ready, Precious?" Sel asked, slipping her arm through mine and entwining our hands. "Just remember to breathe, and you'll be great."

I did as instructed, taking a deep breath, then another, just to be on the safe side. "I'm ready," I announced with a firm nod.

"That's my girl," Sel whispered, and Alfred nodded proudly. He opened the doors, and instantly, the music swirled into the wedding march as the audience rose to their feet.

Sel guided me down the aisle, but I really wasn't paying attention. Dick was at the other end, looking exactly like every fantasy I'd ever had as a little girl. His midnight blue three-piece suit fit him perfectly, and his sand-covered bare feet brought a smile to my lips. And he looked at me like I was all he ever wanted.

Bruce's speech was appropriately funny, poignant, and touching, but I only ever heard it when I watched the video afterwards. I couldn't look away from Dick and his gorgeous eyes. We exchanged vows, and then we exchanged rings. Tears were shed, since it was the stones from his mom's ring. And then Bruce pronounced us man and wife. "You can kiss her now, chum," he said, smile coming through even in his words.

Dick smiled and cupped my face in his hands. "I love you, Viv," he whispered.

"You'd better, or we just went through all this for no good reason," I teased, happier than I'd ever been in my life.

Dick laughed and kissed me. Literal fireworks boomed overhead, and our guests cheered.


	2. Chapter 2

For a group that that emphasized self-control, discipline, and not being predictable… the Batsies were addicted to coffee and sugar. And there were only so many good coffee joints in reasonable distance of Selina's office. In the year she'd been working for Selina, she had only three places that Selina felt worth of frequent repeat custom. There was the Coffee Cart that was always in front of Wayne Enterprises, but it didn't carry pastries, and knocked off before three. There was the Code Seven, which was twenty four seven by three-sixty-five, but while the coffee was always fresh, and anywhere from medical grade to weapons-grade… they bought their pastries from Mall-Mart. They made up for it with their pancakes and biscuits, but those were not pastries. That left Barclay's, which was the furthest away, not to mention the most expensive, in every possible way. Their pastries were scratch-made, multiple times every single day, and they were not light: Oh-My-God rich, Oh-My-God good, and Oh-My-God pricey, in both monetary and caloric cost. A dozen of their assorted cream-and-fruit-filled bismarcks was fifty dollars, and thirteen thousand calories. According to Bruce.  
Genevieve and Selina could kill the box between them in one long night. No dinner needed or wanted... and Genevieve had taken up the basic combat exercises of the Batsies not because she wanted to fight bad guys, but because she wanted to fight off 'the bulge'. Dick also had her, not just running (strictly horizontal is so boring…) but doing the initial parts of parkour, and she was getting better at it. Selina just smiled and sent her out for more. And then there were the fruit muffins and cookies Alfred made every day – his oatmeal-pecan-raisin cookies were practically small tarts.  
Genevieve suspected conspiracy.  
And thus it was that had Genevieve waiting in line at Barclay's pastries counter to pick up her order, when she scented a familiar cologne – and turned to find herself face-to-face with Mr. Oswald Cobblepott, AKA the Penguin. Two of his Birds, Wren, and Lark, were by the doors.  
As Genevieve's eyes widened, Cobblepott swept an abbreviated bow, smiling genially. "Good afternoon, Ms. Thornton! A pleasure to run into you! It's always good to see one's former staff moving up in the world - Ms. Kyle is doing well, I trust?"  
Genevieve's mind raced, even as her blood pressure settled somewhat. She had, over a year ago, worked for Mr. Cobblepott at his club, the Iceberg Lounge – but as merely one of the waitresses, bringing orders to tables and so on. She had never done any 'additional tasks' for him, nor had she ever discussed anything specific about what she had seen while working there – Selina clearly held the Rogue in mild distaste. So he shouldn't have any issues to 'discuss' with her. Wren and Lark had stayed put, instead of moving to surround her or worse, 'escort' her… and Barclay's was way too obvious for any of that anyway. So this was social hour, and nothing more.  
"Mr. Cobblepott, what a surprise! It's good to see you as well, sir! You're looking well, may I say?" A year ago, that would have been an untrue pleasantry, because Cobblepott had been feeling his years visibly, and there had been rampant rumors concerning his health. But he genuinely did look much better – skin color good, his expression bright and alert, and his voice was back to the clear tenor, without any hint of phlegm. "Ms. Kyle is doing very well, thank you, and I'll be sure to pass your compliments along to her!"  
"Excellent, and thank you very much!" Cobblepott answered in good humor. "I believe you're up next, Miss."  
Genevieve turned around, and sure enough, the staff was smilingly waiting for her. After signing for her order and receiving the goods, she stepped to the door, half expecting one of the Birds to gesture her to wait – instead, Wren held the door open for her, exactly as she would for a Member at the Lounge. Genevieve blinked involuntarily in surprise, and murmured her thanks – and Wren flashed her mercurial grin, the real one, and murmured back "Nice car, Genevieve. Good on you, and good luck!"  
Lark fell into step with Genevieve, and escorted her to the Porsche, getting first the passenger door for the goods, and then the driver's door for Genevieve. Unnerved just a bit, Genevieve slid into the drivers seat, and looked up at Lark, who smiled, tipped her bowler, and stepped back. "Good luck, Mrs. Grayson!" as she closed the door.  
Genevieve drove back to Wayne Enterprises with care, resolutely not thinking about the situation until she was back in the office. Selina looked up as she came in, and her face went still at Genevieve's expression. She stayed quiet as Genevieve reported, and then smiled at Genevieve.  
"Penguin is a Rogue, but it wasn't so many years ago that I was too. He managed to get a message to me before the wedding, just to let me know he understood why he wasn't invited to either reception. He learned of your wedding upcoming from the newspapers – he dotes on such things - and when coincidence enabled him to talk to you, he wished you well. Nothing more, and nothing less. Lark and Wren acting as they did was likely to show they weren't there as his enforcers." Selina chuckled as she went back to her desk. "Penguin has never been as savoir-faire as he likes to think he is."

Penguin settled at his desk in his quarters, and cocked an eye at Wren. "You're wondering why that bit this afternoon, are you?"  
Wren settled into the chair she usually took. "I am, sir. She didn't work here that long, nor did she ever take on any extra duties or sensitive matters."  
Penguin socketed a Silk Cut into his holder and lit it. "Ms. Thornton works for Selina… who has now finally caught her man after Lord alone knows how many years. And in turn, Ms. Thornton is engaged to be married to the young Mr. Grayson. She's part of the Clan, now." He puffed thoughtfully. "It's no bad thing to have, if not friends, than former associates with whom one is on good terms with in such places, Wren. One never knows when a timely call or message might come in."  
Wren snorted. "None of that lot will ever betray the Bat, sir. You know that."  
"Oh, indeed I do. But he and I have a mutual interest: the continuation of our city. We've sent him a few messages over the years… Joker and his nuclear bomb comes to mind. Keeping lines open in the years to come is rarely a bad thing."

AN: This is a piece written by the lovely Lord Grise on fanfiction.net, posted with permission. I loved it, and I hope you all do, too!


	3. Chapter 3

"Just so you know, guys don't really like it when girls wear sweatpants every day to class."

I was so exhausted, I didn't realize I was being spoken to for a long moment, or rather, at, in this case. Sel's benefit for arts in schools hadn't ended until one that morning, which meant I climbed into bed around two-thirty. My husband climbed into bed about half an hour later, the first time in over a week, since he had been helping Queen Audrey kick Vandal Savage out of her country (again). I'd probably gotten about three hours of sleep before having to get ready for my eight o'clock class, halfway across Gotham from our apartment, with rush hour traffic. The dudebro talking at me (who I vaguely remembered being called Chad, for some reason), was lucky I had even showered that morning. Between my very full-time job and my last three classes needed to graduate, I barely had time to eat.

Squinting up at him, since I'd been too tired to put contacts in and my glasses were at least three years past their expiration date, I propped my head on my right hand and pushed back my hair with my left. That had the added effect of making the large sapphire on my third finger entirely visible. "One guy does," I yawned at him. "It means he can get away with wearing sweatpants, too. And I haven't spent the last three and a half years working my butt off in classes to impress random guys. Good luck with that pickup line on the next girl."

Dudebro Chad gaped at me for a moment, flushing just the tiniest bit, before stalking across the room to an empty seat there. "Um, bae, can I marry you? Well, obviously not, since you're already married, and we swing for the same team, but girl, you're a rock star! You just shut down Chad before finishing your morning coffee!"

I nearly snorted on my morning coffee as Etienne, one of the few friends I had made at school, gushed at me from the seat behind me. After I stopped choking, I turned back to him. "I didn't say anything that wasn't true."

"Yeah, but hon, you shut him down hard! He has walked all over this campus for the past five years like he's some sort of god just because his daddy owns a bank," Etienne continued.

"Well, my father-in-law owns Wayne Enterprises, so I probably own stock in that bank," I replied without thinking.

Etienne shook his head at me, puppy eyes coming out. "Oh, hon, I see you in your giant hoodies and grungy sweatpants, and I think impoverished college student like the rest of us. Then you go and say something like that to remind me of just what family you belong to."

"Sorry, I didn't mean-" I began to apologize, but he waved it away.

"I know you didn't mean anything by it. And no, you can't help me out. Remember, I'm going to be working for a charity; I am not a charity case myself. But I wouldn't say no if you wanted to give me a ride to work in your gorgeous car after the library."

"I just heard Sam and Mason cackling about you shutting Chad down hard. Was that true?" Simone, my other friend in school, barged in, throwing her stuff in the seat next to me.

"It really wasn't-"

"Oh, it really was! It was the best thing I've seen all week, and that includes Channing Tatum's abs," Etienne exclaimed. He then started into a play-by-play of the whole interaction, dragging a maybe sixty second conversation out to a five-minute replay. Or, it would have, knowing him, had our professor not walked into the room at that moment, already rambling his lecture as he entered.

After class, the three of us headed to the library to work on our thesis projects. "I am just so stuck on this thing," Etienne moaned, dropping his head to the table, and not even bothering to pull anything out of his bag. "I have no idea what to do! Something meaningful, and something original, and something that can actually be implemented in the real world. Ya might as well ask me for Batman's real identity."

Thankful I'd finished my morning coffee, I managed to keep from saying that I could help him out with the Batman thing, at least. "I know. How am I supposed to come up with an idea for a charity that hasn't already been done? There's charities for everything," I grumbled, then thought about what I'd said. "Which is a good thing in the real world, but sucks in academia."

Etienne laughed at me, and ignored the dirty look he got from the librarian for doing so, but Simone glared playfully at me. "You don't even need to stress about this. You've already got a job with one of the most successful nonprofit organizations in the world. You just decided to be an overachiever and get a degree, too."

"Well, it does help the Wayne Foundation to look more legit," I started to explain, but they both just laughed at me.

"Girl, the Wayne Foundation is so legit, pure gold looks fake next to it," Etienne said.

I blushed a bit. "So maybe I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, okay? I honestly didn't expect to even graduate from high school, so the fact that I am eight credits away from my master's is a huge deal to me."

"And you have kicked butt to get here. I've decided I want to be you when I grow up," Simone grinned at me.

We eventually each started working on homework, somewhat lacklusterly, but none of us could really concentrate on it. "I need a thesis idea," Etienne said, punctuating each word with a drop of his head to the table.

Somehow, that shook loose an idea for me. Or really, the beginnings of an idea, which was a start. "We can work together on this, right?" I asked, mostly for confirmation. When they both nodded, very slowly, I went on. "And we're supposed to do something that actually means something to us, right?" The nods were a bit faster. "Okay, so Simone, you want to work with education on sustainable farming, taking care of the environment, and Etienne, you want to help feed the homeless."

"And you want to do something to help the kids in the system," Simone continued.

"And those that slip through the cracks," Etienne added knowingly.

"Exactly. So, what if we combined them all into one project?" I asked, getting a bit excited.

They were a bit more skeptical. "How exactly would we do that?" Simone questioned, wrinkling her nose in confusion.

"A greenhouse," I explained, feeling the idea expand the more I talked. Almost like someone was pouring the plan into my head. "We build a greenhouse, and Simone uses it to teach school groups about sustainable farming. And the food goes to a food bank, one that is privately funded, so no probing questions get asked to spook kids who need the food."

"And if the kids want to help in the greenhouse," Etienne continued, a bit slowly, but definitely catching the idea, "they would have a safe, and warm, place to be, at least during day time hours."

"And what if the greenhouse didn't just support a food bank, but an orphanage?" Simone suggested, catching the drift with a huge smile. "But an orphanage that puts the kids first. We have certified caretakers, ones who actually like kids,-"

"And doctors or nurses on staff, twenty-four-seven," Etienne added, bouncing in excitement.

"And we have lawyers whose sole jobs are to find good homes for these kids," I kept going. "And PIs to find and investigate any relatives, and any potential people adopting, try to get these kids into good homes."

"And help these kids get good educations, tutors on staff," Etienne added. "Scholarships to college or trade school."

"Wait, wait, wait," I said, pulling up a blank document on my tablet. "Okay, give me all those ideas again, but slowly."

Thankfully, I had plenty of practice typing quickly, because we could not slow down. I wouldn't even finish getting one idea down before the next one was coming, but we didn't care. We were so excited, and the ideas just kept coming.

Finally, Etienne looked at his phone and jumped. "Ladies, I've got to be to work in twenty-seven minutes," he said, throwing his stuff into his bag. "I'm so glad you're giving me a ride, Gen."

"You won't be late, I promise," I told him, also throwing my tablet and books into my bag, knowing Tim was probably cringing somewhere reflexively at my treatment of the electronic device.

The three of us piled into my car, Simone grumbling as she climbed into the back, and I sped off to get Etienne to work on time. About five minutes away from his convenience store, I said softly, "You know, we could do this for real."

"I've been thinking that since the moment you said a greenhouse to support kids," Etienne replied. "We write this plan out, graduate, and then make our little baby charity."

"I know you promised you'd help us get jobs at the Wayne Foundation after graduation, Gen," Simone told me, and I could hear her grin even without looking away from traffic to see it. "I just never thought it would be on our very own charity under their umbrella."

…

Three months later, I walked across a stage to very large and incredibly noisy applause. All the Waynes were there, including Duke, our newest member, as were Artemis and Wally. The Kents came in from Metropolis with a sign bigger than Jon, who I swear grew every time I saw him, and Dinah came with an apology from Ollie, since he had an emergency board meeting he couldn't reschedule. The check he sent with her made up for it, though, especially since it was made out to the charity of my choice. And Alfred made all my favorite foods for the party afterwards, with representation for Etienne and Simone, too.

The party lasted for hours, with Dick embarrassing me with loud proclamations of how proud he was of me nearly every ten minutes. Thankfully, Bruce sent us "young folks" out to a club to celebrate, on his dime, so that the rest of the family could go on patrol without raising any suspicions for my two school friends. And given that I hadn't really gone out that much since I'd started school, and neither had the other two graduates, we enjoyed it immensely.

Sel gave me the day after graduation off, which was good, since both Dick and I woke up with hangovers, and Etienne and Simone snuggling on our couch and Artemis and Wally in our guest bed. We lounged around all that day, eating as much greasy food as Dick could summon. But when Sunday morning dawned, we three graduates were ready with it.

"I know Sundays are usually lazy, so thank you both for being willing to meet with us about something work related," I began, facing Sel and Bruce in their home office, Etienne and Simone at my side.

"Anything for you, Precious," Sel grinned, and Bruce nodded in agreement.

"Okay, well, we have a proposal for you two, a new project for the Wayne Foundation," I said. I had to force myself to speak slowly and clearly, because I was so nervous, I wanted to throw up. Even though I knew Sel and Bruce would never be rude if they didn't like our idea, but this was my baby. Well, mine shared with Simone and Etienne, of course.

Over the next half hour or so, the three of us laid out our plan that we'd spent months perfecting. Every word had been practiced and polished, every point in its perfect order. And when we finished, I nearly cried with relief that it was over.

Bruce and Sel did that thing where they communicated without saying a word. It took way too long, or at least it seemed like it did, but Sel finally turned to me. "Well, Precious, I really hate to lose you like this. And I hate looking for a new assistant."

My heart literally stopped. I couldn't move. The words "new assistant" kept ringing in my ears, over and over and over.

Simone had no such qualms. "You're going to fire her over having a good idea?!" she screeched.

"One that will help people, like your whole foundation is supposed to do?" Etienne also didn't have a problem expressing himself. "You are a terrible-"

"Only because she's going to be too busy starting up this home with you two," Sel continued, looking way too satisfied with herself.

All three of us stared at her. Bruce sighed and shook his head. "What my wife is trying to say is that this is a phenomenal idea, and we would be happy to sponsor it."

My heart started pumping again as my brain tried to comprehend just exactly what my ears had heard. Etienne threw his arms around me, squealing, as Simone jumped up and down, screaming "Yes!" over and over.

Sel grinned at me. "We'll start tomorrow. We've got a lot of work ahead of us, Precious."


	4. Chapter 4

The Caked Crusader

"I still can't believe you got Bruce to do this," Artemis laughed, around a mouthful of popcorn.

"It was all Cass," I said, in a chorus with Steph, Jason, Tim, and Dick. The girl in question simply beamed and made grabby hands at the candy bowl in Jason's lap.

"Literally, all it took was Cass giving him puppy eyes, and Bruce was sold on the whole idea," Jason continued. He tried to hold out, but quickly fell for a smaller dose of those same puppy eyes to give her the bowl.

"Still, I thought Batman was too much of a bamfy type to fall so easily for puppy eyes," Wally scoffed, around a mouthful of popcorn. "C'mon, he's Batman. Ya know, 'I am vengeance. I am the night. I am Batman', and all that?"

Cass turned to him, her eyes instantly sad. I knew what she was doing, and it still made my heart pinch. "Aah, here, take the popcorn, take the beer, take everything," Wally relented, hurriedly shoving everything at her, even while the rest of us laughed.

"Cass only uses her powers for good, though," I assured, playing with her hair for a second. She started nearly purring and scooted closer to me on the floor, so I kept going. Her hair was like silk anyway, so it was anything but a hardship.

"Oh, oh, it's starting!" Tim said, from the other side of Dick. "Everybody, shut up!"

The eight of us, spread all over Dick's and my living room, all quieted down, just as Bruce's face filled the TV screen. Steph let out a quiet giggle, and I couldn't help but join in at seeing his public mask on, smiling so widely at the camera that it had to have hurt. But he just kept on smiling and waving, even as Nicole Byer announced him as "Bruce Wayne, billionaire, entrepreneur, philanthropist, reformed playboy, and loving dad to- How many kids do you have, Bruce?"

"I lost count after the third one," Bruce joked. Well, it was supposed to be a joke, but those of us who knew him knew it wasn't really a joke. He really was terrible at remembering all of us. And I wasn't sure if he would count me and Steph, or even Babs. It probably depended on the day, really, and how much we had annoyed him recently.

Nicole was cackling, trying to catch her breath, when Wally leaned around Artemis to look at the majority of Gotham's heroes sprawled across my living room. "Who's on patrol tonight, anyway? If all of you are here and Bruce is on live TV, I mean."

"J'onn is pretending to be Batman, and Damian and Duke lost out due to seniority," Dick answered, his face still glued to the TV.

"Which really came down to us telling the runts that they didn't have a choice," Jay finished with a grin.

"Seems fair," Artemis said. "It's totally their turn."

"And you really don't think that D is watching while on patrol?" I laughed. "You know he is, even if Duke is still too scared of messing up to join him."

"Yeah, Little D probably is," Dick replied, though he was instantly shushed by Tim.

"So, Bruce, what brings you to our kitchens today?" Nicole asked on screen.

Bruce looked adorably uncomfortable, and I was pretty sure it was all real. He couldn't actually say that his daughter had emotionally blackmailed him into it, after all. "Alfred, the man who raised me, he's always been a fantastic cook and baker. He tried to teach me, but without a lot of success. And, well, I've always wanted to bake a cake for my kids, ya know?"

Nicole and Jacques aaawed, followed by canned aaws, as well. "Well, aren't you the cutest dad ever? I'd call you something else, but the producers warned me that they can't bleep anything out as it's live today," Nicole continued.

Every single person in my apartment cackled at the very red shade Bruce turned. "I'm sure my wife appreciates it, since she's backstage waiting for me," he finally managed to get out.

"I'm pretty sure Sel is dying of laughter right now," I countered, not that Bruce could hear me.

Nicole eventually got on to introducing the rest of the contestants, Lena Luthor and some other incredibly rich person who seemed to give Bruce the stink eye, before obviously remembering that he was on live TV and turning up a very false smile. "Now, everyone probably already knows this, but this is a very special charity episode of Nailed It!" she continued. "Not only are we live from Gotham City, and the proceeds from the streaming fees will go to charity, but each one of our billionaire contestants has pledged to donate their winnings to a charity of their choosing. And it seems that Bruce and Lena have both promised to match their winnings, as well. Now, starting with you, Bruce, why don't you tell us about the charity you'll be donating to if you win."

Bruce grinned, a real one, this time. "The Green House here in Gotham. It's a sustainable charity started by my daughter-in-law, Genevieve Grayson, where they aim to eradicate childhood homelessness and hunger in Gotham City. They've done a lot of good already, and I know this donation would help so many more kids." I couldn't help the rush of pride that went through me at his words, and I also couldn't help but start dreaming all that we could do with an extra twenty thousand dollars. Not that Bruce wouldn't just give me that money if I asked, or even hinted, but it was the principle of the thing.

Nicole and Jacques aawed again before turning to Lena. "My charity is one I've been working closely with for a few years in National City," Lena said with a smile. "A New Leash on Life has helped both shelter animals who would have otherwise been put down and inmates in the corrections facilities find positive outlets in their lives."

"And my wife thanks you for all your hard work for it," Bruce told her, and she laughed.

"Well, Selina was a huge help to me when I set up our National City chapter, and she's helped immensely in the time since," she replied.

The other guy, who'd already forgotten he was supposed to be smiling, said something about donating to a food kitchen in his hometown.

"Well, today's episode is based on superheroes," Nicole announced, and I couldn't have stopped the snort that escaped me at the irony of it all if I tried. "So, for our Baker's Choice, we have a variety of superhero-shaped… sugar cookies!"

She enthusiastically waved at the cupboard behind her, and the doors flew open to reveal Supergirl, Wonder Woman, and Black Canary in all their sugary likenesses. Lena instantly lunged for the Supergirl one, while Bruce snagged Wonder Woman right behind her.

"Lena, you were pretty quick to grab Supergirl," Nicole noticed. "Any particular reason?"

Pink stained Lena's cheeks a bit, even as she shrugged. "She's my hometown's hero."

"And it helps that she sleeps in your bed every other night," Artemis muttered, making most of us snort in laughter.

"And Bruce, why did you choose Wonder Woman?" Nicole continued, looking incredibly amused.

"Because I didn't think I could do Black Canary's fishnets justice," came his prompt reply, drawing more laughter from the hosts and us.

"Yeah, probably a safer bet," Wally agreed with him, "since Dinah would happily slaughter him if he didn't get her right."

"Diana will be more forgiving," Jay added with a nod.

The three bakers were sent to their kitchens with an hour to recreate their sugary masterpieces. Since it was a live event, we saw the whole hour. Bruce was tackling his cookie with all the seriousness that he usually reserved for missions, and Lena even stepped out of her six-inch heels for it. "Things are getting serious now!" Nicole cackled, and Jacques agreed with his cute little grin.

"No, Bruce, you have to shape the cookie before you bake it!" Tim yelled out, like Bruce would be able to hear him through the Wi-Fi or something.

Bruce couldn't hear him, obviously, and baked his entire blob of cookie dough at the same time. "C'mon, Bruce, amateur move," Steph groaned.

But somehow, even for baking the entire cookie blob at once, he turned out a remarkably decent looking cookie. You could definitely tell it was supposed to be Wonder Woman, with her cute little tiara amidst her frosting hair. She ended up with no face, but at least she had all the hair. And props to him for getting a Red Vine and spraying it with gold paint for her lasso at the last minute. Nicole and Jacques were even pleasantly surprised with the taste, especially given the whole "cooking all the dough at once and definitely not for long enough" issue he had to deal with. But even for all that, Lena won with her Supergirl. I mean, it was hard to fight against the teeny tiny skirt made out of a fruit roll up, and the perfectly painted S. So, Lena ended up with the sparkly gold baker's hat, and the grumpy guy got the "Nicole annoys the others for three minutes each" bonus for the next round, since his cookie was somehow burnt on the outside and still doughy in the middle.

Artemis snorted a laugh as she read a text. "Dinah just said that guy has failed his cookie!"

We were all still laughing at that when Nicole and Jacques announced the second task, though we quickly quieted down when we saw the monstrosity that they were supposed to recreate. It was a cake, or rather, several cakes, sculpted into Gotham's skyline, with cake pops for ALL of Gotham's vigilantes. "How are they supposed to finish that in two hours?" Tim whispered in somewhat horrified awe.

Bruce and Lena each dived in, determined to beat the other. Grumpy Guy looked like he was wishing he was anywhere else at the moment, which was pretty entertaining. It made me wonder who had blackmailed him into doing the show.

Bruce beat Lena getting his cakes into the oven, but she threw some food coloring into his fondant when his back was turned, so he had to start over on that. Nicole and Jacques howled at the blatant competitiveness. "We've never had such deliberate sabotage before," Jacques said, torn between amusement and horror.

Nicole was entirely delighted. "That's my kinda girl!"

Bruce was just starting on his cake pops when Grumpy hit his special bonus, meaning Nicole came by to annoy his competitors, and she started on Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce! Orange juice! Did you know that rhymes? Do the butts match? Do they really match? Are you really Batman?"

Bruce, and everyone else both in the studio and my living room, burst into laughter. Lena almost dropped the cake she was pulling out of the oven. "Of course, the butts match!" he said, turning around to give the cameras a good view of his tush. Which was weird for me, but whatever.

She had to have planned on saying that, since the producers quickly found a picture of Batman's butt to put next to it. Of course, Batman's butt was more than slightly covered by his cape, and Bruce's was covered mostly by his suit jacket, but it didn't matter. Everyone knew it was a crack conspiracy theory, anyway, only good for laughs.

"They do not, Bruce, you little liar!" Wally cried, throwing popcorn at the screen.

"Yeah, that's totally Dick, when he's had to fill in for Bruce," I added, and everyone looked at me. "What, you don't think I can recognize my own husband's butt?"

"There are literal yards of fabric over that, Gen! How can you even tell?" Steph asked incredulously.

"I know that butt way too well to mistake it for Bruce's."

Everyone swung around to stare at Wally, except Dick. "You do realize how weird it is to hear you say things like that, right, babe?" Artemis sighed as she cuddled back into his side.

"We've known each other since I was twelve!" Dick attempted to defend his best friend, but really just dug him in further.

"You guys definitely put the 'romance' in bromance," Tim muttered.

"It's a very recognizable butt," I consoled Wally, but then grinned and added, "but it's still weird that you can recognize it!"

"Oh, shut up, all of you," he muttered, turning nearly as red as his hair.

Bruce was starting his cake pops as Nicole went to bother Lena. I could see him counting them all, and he kept looking at them like he was missing something, but couldn't figure out what. Eventually, he just shook his head and moved on, covering the little balls with fondant.

"He's totally regretting adopting all of us now!" Tim crowed.

"But who's he forgotten?" Steph asked, doing the same counting that Bruce had done.

"He didn't actually forget- No! He totally did!" Dick laughed so hard he nearly fell off the couch. Pulling me with him in the process, but I couldn't be mad, since I was also dying laughing.

Bruce finished placing his very last cake pop around his little cake Gotham right as the timer buzzed for the last second. It was surprisingly good, even for his glaring omission, and Nicole and Jacques seemed to agree.

"It's really good, really beautiful. But, Bruce, you did miss someone," Nicole cackled.

Bruce panicked, looking over his creation. I could see him mentally counting everyone, and checking against his cake pops. "No, I got everyone," he countered. He named each hero as he pointed to them. "Catwoman, Black Bat, Nightwing, the Signal, Batgirl, Red Hood, Robin, Red Robin. I got all of them."

"Yes, but,… it would seem that… you seem to have forgotten Batman," Jacques said, sounding both amused and apologetic.

Bruce stared unseeing at him, like he couldn't have possibly made such a rookie mistake. Then, "Fu-" The resulting, very drawn out beep proved Nicole wrong about the producers' ability to censor anything. My living room erupted into laughter, and I was so glad for the internet's ability to capture things forever.

AN: This is probably my last chapter for Cat Nip, unless the muse strikes again, so I'll be marking this story as complete. But I want to thank all of you who have read this, and especially to those of you who have reviewed. Thanks for joining me and Gen for the ride, especially for this utter crack. It was a ton of fun to write!

Oh, and PS, if it wasn't obvious, this was inspired by a couple of Tumblr posts, just in case someone thinks it was all me. It really wasn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably my last chapter for Cat Nip, unless the muse strikes again, so I'll be marking this story as complete. But I want to thank all of you who have read this, and especially to those of you who have reviewed. Thanks for joining me and Gen for the ride, especially for this utter crack. It was a ton of fun to write!
> 
> Oh, and PS, if it wasn't obvious, this was inspired by a couple of Tumblr posts, just in case someone thinks it was all me. It really wasn't.


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